I sat today for quite a while and somehow could feel the quietness of my mind ( very rare phenomenon for me ) , the holding space it is and something similar in terms of the emotional holding space ..something similar ....a silence that was comforting ....
the question came somehow ( as I had a normal anziety around finding work and purpose , worthiness that creeps around etc ) ' What do you really want ? to the anziety ( that I could not really contact physically that seemed distant unreachable on my left side ') -------I kinda of asked called out .... ' a family ' was the clear answer and that materialised into an image / feeling of a male ( very conforting ) and then imagined a female mother materialising into a female quality of great comfort ..I imagined both of these qualities and there was a ' felt sense ' of safety moving between the two ........i could see how much my imagination was pulled in the other direction in the past / future ( by the magnetic pulls / density of conscious/ unconscious stucknesses ) and how now my Imagination can be a bridge to another REAL reality ( a new shoot here ) ..there is a power in this I only really consciously tasted/touched today .....it's taken a long long time ,,,somehow could see the strength of a mind with contents ( imprints , complex pyschology , stuck thoughts but also a sense of other qualities around reflectiveness , curiosity comforting interesting ) ......
I am also conscious of the ' wanting ' 'not wanting ' pulls away from feeling alive and free ....I did not sense this was an unhealthy wanting or maybe it was ? ....feel more sure it felt right and my imagination is opening ..feel maybe there was unconscous wanting or some kind of block to even ask for this ' a family ' in the past ..it was the first time ....nevertheless ...again the imagination was following with a comforting feeling ...accessing it again now as I write ...some kind of compassion for my parents also and understanding of them and others ...can this be love ? x